We Heal in Relationships — But First, We Must Feel Safe Enough to Stay
Most of us crave closeness. We ache for intimacy — not just physical, but emotional, relational, energetic. And yet, when it finally arrives, something unexpected can happen: we tense. We pull away. We go silent. We shut down. Or we get overwhelmed and sabotage the very thing we’ve wanted most.
This paradox of wanting love but fearing it is one of the most human experiences we can have. It’s not irrational. It’s protective.
Why Closeness Feels Threatening
At the heart of this dynamic is safety: not intellectual safety, but physiological safety. As Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory explains, our nervous systems are constantly scanning for danger, even when we’re not consciously aware of it. If closeness has been a source of hurt in the past — whether from early caregivers, past partners, or cultural dynamics — then intimacy becomes coded as unsafe. We don’t pull away because we don’t care. We pull away because our bodies remember.
Attachment theory, first developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, offers one lens here. If our earliest relationships were inconsistent, unpredictable, or emotionally unavailable, then our systems may be wired to expect abandonment, rejection, or engulfment. According to Amir Levine and Rachel Heller’s work in Attached, these early experiences shape adult attachment styles — anxious, avoidant, or secure. We may become hypervigilant or emotionally distant not because we don’t want connection, but because we’ve learned to survive without fully trusting it.
Insight Isn’t Enough
Here’s where a lot of modern self-help gets stuck: it assumes that once we understand our patterns, they’ll change. But insight doesn’t always translate to transformation. You can know why you shut down when someone gets close. You can name your attachment style, recognize the trigger, and still feel the urge to run.
As somatic psychologist Pat Ogden notes in Trauma and the Body, healing doesn’t happen just through talk. It happens through embodied experiences. We don’t rewire by thinking differently. We rewire through moments of felt safety: when we stay, when we’re met with care, when our vulnerability is received instead of punished.
Co-Regulation and Embodied Trust
This is where co-regulation comes in — a key concept in interpersonal neurobiology, particularly in the work of Louis Cozolino. Co-regulation is the process by which our nervous systems attune to one another. When someone offers us grounded presence, emotional consistency, and patience, our bodies begin to soften. We begin to believe that it might be safe to stay.
But we also need to learn how to regulate ourselves. Deb Dana, who applies Polyvagal Theory to clinical practice, emphasizes the importance of developing a personal "anchor" — a sense of internal safety we can return to. Self-trust is built in small moments: when we honor our boundaries, when we take deep breaths instead of reacting, when we reach out instead of shutting down.
How We Begin
If you find yourself pulling away from closeness, begin by offering yourself compassion. You’re not broken — you’re protecting something tender. Begin to notice what safety feels like in your body. Who makes you feel grounded? What spaces let you exhale? What parts of you still need reassurance?
The path to deep intimacy isn’t about fixing yourself. It’s about building trust, slowly and with care. Because healing doesn’t happen in isolation. It happens when we feel safe enough to stay.
References:
Bowlby, John. Attachment and Loss
Ainsworth, Mary D.S. Patterns of Attachment
Levine, Amir and Heller, Rachel. Attached
Porges, Stephen. The Polyvagal Theory
Dana, Deb. The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy
Ogden, Pat. Trauma and the Body
Cozolino, Louis. The Neuroscience of Human Relationships
