The Myth of Finding Your People
We're told that if we're just honest enough, weird enough, open enough, our people will find us. The idea is seductive: a small, perfect constellation of humans who understand us intuitively, who make us feel seen without effort. But in reality? Not so much.
The myth of finding your people suggests that belonging is passive—something that happens when the right conditions align. Yet both psychology and lived experience tell us otherwise: belonging isn't found, it's built.
What Belonging Really Means
Belonging, as psychologist Kelly-Ann Allen defines it, is "a subjective feeling that one is an accepted member of a group or community." It's less about shared hobbies and more about emotional safety, consistency, and mutual care. Through this lens, belonging isn't about stumbling into a ready-made group who instinctively gets you — it's about staying in connection long enough to let yourself be known and learning to know others in return.
This idea echoes something we see repeatedly in therapy: healing doesn't happen in isolation. We grow through relationships. It's not enough to "know better." Our nervous systems, shaped by past experiences, need safe connection to feel secure in the present. Belonging isn't being needy — it's essential to our ability to soften, show up, and stay.
The Tension Between Belonging and Authenticity
Social psychologist Roy Baumeister notes that belonging is one of our most fundamental human motivations. We'll shape-shift in subtle—or dramatic—ways to preserve it. But there's a cost: when we compromise too much of ourselves to be accepted, we lose the very authenticity that makes connection satisfying. This creates a painful bind: either shrink to fit in or risk being alone.
The ambivalence that emerges isn't a character flaw — it's a signal. Our nervous systems are trying to reconcile two essential human needs: the desire to belong and the desire to be true to ourselves. This push-pull, often beginning in early relationships, continues to shape our adult friendships and communities if left unexamined.
Identity Is Relational
Philosopher Judith Butler offers a powerful lens here. She argues that identity isn't something fixed inside us; it's something we shape — and are shaped by — through interaction. In other words, we come to know who we are in relation to others.
This resonates deeply with my own work, which explores how our sense of self is co-created through reflection, attunement, and presence. Community, then, isn't about finding a perfect match — it's about staying long enough to build something honest, something real. We don't find belonging through perfect understanding but by letting ourselves be seen and staying present through imperfect moments.
The Practice of Staying
Real community can present challenges. It can frustrate us, even disappoint us. But it can also help us grow. It invites us to repair when hurt, speak up when silent, and allow ourselves to be changed by others. And it’s finding those connections that allow us to be “safely” triggered that makes showing up worthwhile.
References:
Allen, Kelly-Ann. The Psychology of Belonging
Baumeister, Roy. "The Need to Belong: Desire for Interpersonal Attachments as a Fundamental Human Motivation"
Butler, Judith. Gender Trouble
