The Psychology Behind Authentic Networking
Networking often gets a bad rap. And honestly, if we approach it with a “what can you do for me?” mindset, it probably deserves it.
As I’m learning throughout my career, most people want to help each other. We need to feel needed. And when it comes to building a brand, growing a business, or even just finding your next opportunity, a genuine connection is incredibly important.
So how do we do it in a way that feels… not gross?
Authentic networking isn’t about collecting business cards or perfecting your pitch. It’s about cultivating mutual trust, emotional resonance, and psychological safety. In other words, it’s about building real relationships, even at work.
We’re Wired to Connect
Human beings are inherently social creatures. According to Baumeister and Leary's (1995) seminal work on the "need to belong," we have a fundamental drive to form and maintain strong, stable interpersonal relationships. This drive doesn't magically switch off when we enter a professional space.
When networking feels forced, it’s often because we’re taught to suppress this natural desire for connection and instead optimize for outcomes: the job lead, the introduction, the email follow-up. But relational psychology reminds us that meaningful connections emerge not from extraction but from presence.
Emotional Contagion and Resonance
Studies show that our emotional states are contagious (Hatfield, Cacioppo, & Rapson, 1994). This means people can feel when you're genuinely curious about them—and when you're not. Authentic networking begins with attunement: being present, asking open-ended questions, and truly listening.
Carl Rogers, a foundational figure in humanistic psychology, described this as "unconditional positive regard" (Rogers, 1957). When we hold space for others without immediately judging, fixing, or strategizing, we invite them to do the same for us. That’s when the real connection starts.
This doesn’t have to be profound. It can sound like:
“What’s something that’s felt meaningful for you lately at work?”
“What’s your favorite part of your job? Like the part you’d do even if no one paid you?”
“That sounds exciting. Can I ask what got you into that field in the first place?”
Simple. Curious. Open.
Psychological Safety at Work
Harvard Business School professor Amy Edmondson (1999) introduced the concept of psychological safety: the belief that one can speak up, take risks, and be vulnerable in front of others without fear of negative consequences. Psychological safety isn’t just for team dynamics—it’s foundational for networking, too.
When you approach someone with transparency and integrity—when you share something real about yourself, not just your resume—you lower the social threat level and create an opening for genuine connection. It’s less about saying the "right" thing and more about creating a moment of mutual humanness.
From Transactional to Relational
Traditional networking is transactional: "What can you do for me?" However, authentic networking is relational: "Who are you, really? And how can we learn from each other?"
Shifting from a transactional mindset to a relational one requires vulnerability and patience. It also requires what psychologist Barbara Fredrickson (2001) calls "micro-moments of shared positive emotion." These moments—a laugh, a moment of recognition, a shared value—are what bond us.
What Makes a Connection Stick?
Not every conversation turns into a connection. That’s normal. But the ones that do tend to share a few key elements:
1. Emotional resonance
You both feel something. It might be laughter, curiosity, or a shared value. These “micro-moments” of connection (Fredrickson, 2001) are powerful—even if brief.
2. Mutual vulnerability
Someone says something a little real. The other person meets them there. You don’t need to trauma-dump, but emotional honesty is magnetic.
3. Follow-up with intention
Send a note that references what you actually talked about. Share a podcast or article that connects to your conversation. Say something simple like, “I really appreciated what you said about [topic]—I’ve been thinking about it.” That makes people feel seen.
4. Reciprocity, not keeping score
The best relationships don’t form because someone owes you. They grow because you showed up with presence, and they did too. That’s enough.
Try This
Next time you're at a networking event (or even a Zoom call), try approaching one person with the intention not to impress but to understand. Ask them what excites them about their work. Reflect back on what you hear. Be curious.
In short: Be a human, not a pitch deck.
References
Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529.
Hatfield, E., Cacioppo, J. T., & Rapson, R. L. (1994). Emotional contagion. Cambridge University Press.
Rogers, C. R. (1957). The necessary and sufficient conditions of therapeutic personality change. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 21(2), 95.
Edmondson, A. (1999). Psychological safety and learning behavior in work teams. Administrative Science Quarterly, 44(2), 350–383.
Fredrickson, B. L. (2001). The role of positive emotions in positive psychology: The broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions. American Psychologist, 56(3), 218–226.
