Why We Put Up Emotional Walls
Because these didn’t pop up out of nowhere.
You know the feeling: someone gets too close, and suddenly, you’re pulling back. Maybe you change the subject. Maybe you make a joke (whoops, guilty). Maybe you disappear altogether.
We call it putting up walls, but it’s really a form of protection. And like most protective strategies, it started somewhere meaningful.
Defense as Survival
Psychologically speaking, walls are forms of defense mechanisms or strategies the mind uses to avoid pain or preserve stability (Freud, 1936). They often develop early in response to environments where vulnerability wasn’t safe. If openness led to shame, rejection, or chaos, it makes sense that your nervous system learned to armor up.
According to attachment theory, people with avoidant attachment styles often suppress emotional expression to maintain autonomy and prevent disappointment (Fraley & Shaver, 2000).
So, walls aren't a character flaw. They’re a learned way of surviving.
The Neurobiology of Withdrawal
The brain plays a key role, too. When we sense an emotional threat, and I’m talking about even subtle cues like criticism, rejection, or unpredictability, our amygdala lights up, triggering the fight, flight, or freeze response (Porges, 2011). Emotional withdrawal is often the freeze response in action. It may look like detachment or indifference on the outside, but inside, the body is managing perceived threat by shutting down and conserving energy. It’s not a lack of care. It’s a nervous system doing its best to stay safe.
The polyvagal theory (developed by Stephen Porges) adds a deeper understanding. It teaches us that our social engagement system, the part of us that makes eye contact, softens our voice, and stays open to connection, is only accessible when our nervous system feels safe. If the body senses danger, whether physical or emotional, it defaults to older survival mechanisms. We might shut down, go silent, or emotionally check out. These aren't conscious choices; they're protective reflexes wired into us through evolution.
Withdrawal, then, isn’t always a sign of disinterest or emotional immaturity. Often, it’s a physiological response to a lack of perceived safety, a reflex designed to protect us from further hurt. When we understand that, we can approach others (and ourselves) with more compassion and curiosity, rather than frustration or blame.
Social Learning and Identity
Walls are also shaped by social messages. Many of us are taught to equate emotional openness with weakness, especially men or anyone socialized under strict gender norms (Mahalik et al., 2003). Others are told that being "too emotional" makes them difficult, dramatic, or needy. Over time, these messages become silence, sarcasm, or surface-level interactions.
For marginalized individuals, emotional withholding can also be a response to chronic invalidation or systemic oppression. In those cases, emotional safety isn’t just a personal issue—it’s structural.
What’s Behind the Wall?
Walls protect pain, but they also hide desire. According to psychodynamic theorists, defenses like detachment often mask deeper longings for closeness, affirmation, or security (McWilliams, 2011).
When we avoid intimacy, we’re not avoiding people: we’re avoiding the feelings that closeness can stir. Getting close might mean touching something we haven’t felt safe enough to hold.
So, What Can We Do?
First: self-compassion. If you put up walls, there’s probably a good reason. Instead of trying to bulldoze through them, try getting curious. What’s the wall protecting? What would it mean to lower it, even just a little?
Second: slowness. Trust builds gradually through consistency and care. As somatic therapist Resmaa Menakem (2017) writes, “healing happens in the body, and the body works on its own timeline.”
And finally: reach. Even when it feels awkward or clumsy, every moment of softening is an act of courage, not weakness. Move at your own pace and with those who allow you to feel safe. Your vulnerability is a gift.
References
Freud, A. (1936). The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defence. London: Hogarth Press.
Fraley, R. C., & Shaver, P. R. (2000). Adult romantic attachment: Theoretical developments, emerging controversies, and unanswered questions. Review of General Psychology, 4(2), 132–154.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. New York: W. W. Norton.
Mahalik, J. R., Burns, S. M., & Syzdek, M. (2003). Masculinity and perceived normative health behaviors as predictors of men's health behaviors. Social Science & Medicine, 64(11), 2201–2209.
McWilliams, N. (2011). Psychoanalytic diagnosis: Understanding personality structure in the clinical process (2nd ed.). New York: Guilford Press.
Menakem, R. (2017). My Grandmother's Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies. Central Recovery Press.
