What Drives Us to Connect in the First Place?
Attraction is complicated.
It can be multifaceted, or messy, or out of the blue, or confusing. But I’ve always thought attraction meant you have something to learn from the other – something that is ultimately revealed within yourself.
I became fascinated with connection, attraction, and desire after doing a deep dive into Hannah Arendt’s Love and Saint Augustine.
“Every craving is tied to a definite object, and it takes this object to spark the craving itself, thus providing an aim for it. Craving is determined by the definitely given thing it seeks, just as a movement is set by the goal toward which it moves. For, as Augustine writes, love is “a kind of motion, and all motion is toward something.””
Arendt theorizes that our drive to connect is fueled by fear of loss – loss of the Other, and what that means for the Self. But, the ultimate expression of love is one of release: freedom from this fear.
She writes, “A love that seeks anything safe and disposable on earth is constantly frustrated, because everything is doomed to die. In this frustration love turns about and its object becomes a negation, so that nothing is to be desired except freedom from fear. Such fearlessness exists only in the complete calm that can no longer be shaken by events expected of the future.”
Damn.
I’ll save my personal theories on love for another day. But as I’m diving into different frameworks on relational intelligence, I’m learning more about the need for connection and what drives us to do what we do.
Another one of my favorite sayings: “Love is the only acceptable form of insanity in this society.” And I’ll leave it at that.
The Psychology of Connection
At its core, connection is rooted in survival. Evolutionary psychologists argue that humans are hardwired to connect because, in the days when hunting and gathering was life or death, survival depended on community. Being part of a group offered protection, resources, and the collective strength needed to endure. Connection wasn’t just nice—it was essential.
Today, the stakes may not be as high (no saber-toothed tigers lurking outside your apartment… even though I’ve seen weirder in New York), but the same mechanisms still drive us. Oxytocin, often called the “love hormone,” is released when we bond with others, whether through physical touch, laughter, or even eye contact. It’s the body’s way of saying, Yes, this feels good. Do more of this.
Connection does the work of rewiring our brains for trust, safety, and happiness.
But there’s more to it than survival instincts.
Psychologists like Abraham Maslow identified belongingness as a foundational human need, sandwiched between safety and self-actualization in his hierarchy of needs. In other words. relationships give our lives meaning, fulfillment, and joy.
And The Philosophy…
Aristotle believed that humans are inherently social creatures. In his view, the drive to connect is an essential part of living a good life. For Aristotle, friendships were categorized into three types: utility (what someone can do for you), pleasure (shared joy), and virtue (a deep, meaningful bond that helps both people grow). The ultimate goal? To cultivate virtuous connections that help us become our best selves.
Martin Buber focused on the quality of connection. In his philosophy of the “I-Thou” relationship, he distinguished between shallow, transactional interactions (I-It) and deep, authentic engagements (I-Thou). For Buber, true connection happens when we meet someone as a whole person, not as a means to an end. It’s the kind of connection where you truly feel seen, heard, and recognized by the Other.
Jean-Paul Sartre viewed connection as both a necessity and a challenge. Relationships are where we define ourselves, but they’re also fraught with tension because we’re constantly balancing our need for independence with our need for others. Connection, in his view, is beautifully messy—a dance between freedom and togetherness.
A year ago, I immersed myself in the works of Byung-Chul Han who offers a modern critique of connection in The Agony of Eros. Han argues that in today’s hyperconnected, digital world, we’ve lost touch with true Eros—the longing that drives us toward the other. Instead of engaging deeply with others, we commodify relationships and seek self-affirmation through shallow interactions. According to Han, true connection requires vulnerability, risk, and an openness to being transformed by the other. In a world focused on control and efficiency, this kind of connection feels increasingly rare—and yet, it’s precisely what we crave, resulting in a lack of fulfillment and depth in many of our modern relationships.
So, if connection is so central to our existence, why does it sometimes feel so hard? Why do we risk vulnerability, rejection, or even heartbreak in the name of connection? The answer lies in our wiring. Connection isn’t just about the outcome; it’s about the process. It’s not about what we get out of it but about who we become through it. Han argues this is Eros itself – transformation by experiencing the Self through the Other.
Han critiques that modern life has reduced connection to something transactional—what can this person do for me? This approach may scratch the itch for immediate validation, but it robs us of the depth that comes from true engagement with another person. Deep connection requires tension, release, discomfort, and embracing the unknown. It’s vulnerability and surrender.
Terrifying? Maybe. Worth it? Absolutely.
What’s to Come
A bit of a personal share: my current work and research revolves around alternative, unconventional healing modalities and practices to deepen mind-body connection. These can be used to create deeper, safer relationships, find security within ourselves, and better understand and heal from trauma.
A lot of my work revolves around intimacy and relational intelligence. Within the next year and a half, I’m working on building a framework of applicable practices for the psychology of connection by researching what this looks like physically, sexually, and relationally. How can we create the connections and relationships we crave, ones that honor our innermost desires?
If you’re curious about the latest, follow me on Instagram for updates. More to come very, very soon.
