Forget What You Want. Find Out How You Need.

Ask me to define my needs and I might get a little feisty with you.

Don’t take it personally; it’s a very valid question. Too valid. But my brisk reaction, likely taking shape in the form of a standoffish shrug, slight scowl, and avoidance of eye contact isn’t really about you. It’s the discomfort it raises in me due to the following:

Needs are often hard to articulate.

The reality of this seems counterintuitive. If it’s a need, shouldn’t it be obvious? Hence the “ick” and the clear opportunity for introspection on my part. Maybe it’s because admitting what we need makes us vulnerable—exposing the tender parts of us that long to be met. Or maybe it’s because naming our needs forces us to confront whether they are currently being met at all.

We need a lot of things. Humans are complex and wonderfully strange creatures. We need both love and space. Security and spontaneity. Connection, but also solitude. The expansiveness of what we need is often the very thing that holds us back from articulating those needs—to ourselves, let alone to others. When our needs feel like moving targets, we retreat into silence.

Understanding needs is essential — not just for personal fulfillment but for the quality of our relationships and how we show up in the world.

Needs are a compass. They guide our actions, shape our desires, and affect how we seek connection, success, and stability. They tug at us from the background, informing the choices we make and the things we pursue—whether or not we realize it.

And while the needs themselves are universal, how they show up in each of us is deeply personal. Some seek validation through achievement, others through relationships, and others through influence. But here’s the thing: understanding our needs isn’t just about naming them. It’s about noticing how they weave through our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors—how they push us forward or hold us back.

It’s easy to become lost in the needs abyss. Framing them to find what need drive us the most can be helpful to orient ourselves to get the most out of what we’ve got.

David McClelland’s “Need Theory” breaks down these drivers into three categories: achievement, affiliation, and power. Think of them like buckets, each one holding a particular drive. Most have a greater alignment with one out of the three, but it can often be a mix.

The Three Need Orientations

Achievement: Those driven by achievement are in a constant dialogue with time. They measure their worth by what gets done, feeling most alive in the pursuit of something just out of reach. Achievement-oriented individuals often have a commendable work ethic and a noble sense of ambition. But this striving can become a silent prison, trapping them in an endless loop of “what’s next.” Even the quiet moments are laced with restlessness — a need to keep moving forward, as if standing still might unravel everything they’ve worked for.

Affiliation: A need for belonging. It’s the desire to be held within the web of connection, to feel safe in the presence of others. Those driven by affiliation are acutely attuned to the emotional climate around them. They are the ones to sense disconnection before it’s voiced, often adjusting themselves to keep the peace. But this tuning-in can slip into self-erasure, a slow fading of personal desires in the hope for harmony. In the search for closeness, they risk losing themselves.

Power: Often misunderstood as control. Put more accurately, power-oriented individuals want to influence to leave a mark on the world. Fulfilment comes from shaping outcomes, whether by leading others or asserting their vision. Yet, power carries a subtle danger — it can make the dangerous tip into control from collaboration and lead from influence to isolation. At its best, power is a shared endeavor; at its worst, it becomes a lonely game of manipulation, sometimes unintentionally.

Where Needs and Values Align

The sweet spot—that elusive place where your needs and values align—sounds wonderful in theory but tricky to pin down in practice.

When needs and values line up, life flows. You act not out of obligation but out of integrity, guided by both what drives you and what matters to you. It’s the kind of alignment that allows you to say “yes” to what feels right and “no” without guilt.

Huh. Sounds great. So how the heck do I get there?

I keep reminding myself that alignment isn’t about perfection; it’s about intention. It’s about recognizing the moments when something feels off and gently steering yourself back toward center. This is what I need. This is what I value. How can I make space for both?

What You Probably Already Know But Don’t Want To Hear

Needs aren’t static, and this isn’t a one-and-done exercise. They shift, evolve, and change—sometimes with the seasons, sometimes within the span of a single day. Life pulls us in different directions, and our needs respond accordingly.

Our needs show up in the boundaries we set, or the boundaries we avoid. No matter your need affiliation above, boundaries come into play with how you fill up that bucket. Needs that are ignored don’t disappear; they lie dormant, only to resurface later as frustration, withdrawal, or resentment. They demand our attention, whether we give it willingly or not.

Yeah, I know. It’s annoying.

But what if, instead of resisting them, we met our needs with curiosity? What if we saw them not as burdens but as invitations—clues guiding us toward a deeper understanding of ourselves and what we need to thrive?

Lingering Thoughts

Needs are opportunities. They invite us to listen, to reflect, and to ask: What is this need asking of me? Where is it leading? And how can I honor it in a way that aligns with who I want to be? They offer us the chance to pause and check in—Is the way I’m living actually serving me?

Stop spiraling about what you want. Find out how you need.